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I'm wiped. I'm actually lying on my back with my wireless keyboard on my lap trying to do something while waiting for my sleeping pill to take effect. I'm sick with a cold and I'm feeling really miserable, more so than I have all day long while taking it easy to try and beat this thing. I've got stuff to do, things to write, and I did nothing all day except hunker down. Now, typing seems like a good idea to get my mind off how cruddy my stuffed nose is. I've got a raging headache as well.

I guess the first thing to say is, when heavy stuff (like a death in the family) is going on, and people tell you to "take good care of yourself", that doesn't mean "take care of yourself", that really means to go the extra mile and take "extra good" care of yourself. I had reasonable amounts of sleep, ate generally well, and overall felt like I was doing alright, but I normally don't catch colds so I let myself down somehow.

Normally I shake off being sick by just taking care of it, letting stuff go until I get better. The problem this time is that I really feel crappy. Dunno if it's just this one time or if it's because I have much to get back to after my time in El Paso.

Anyway, I had a really nice compliment paid to me, well many nice compliments regarding my blogging over the past week and a half. I'm grateful for all the kudos and general support of, not only what I'm going through with my father's death, but also how I'm doing so. It's a peculiar thing to be told "job well done" I think, or very unexpected at least. I can much more easily imagine getting an "attaboy" for completing something at work as opposed to how well I'm processing the death of a loved one.

Then again, saying that out loud sounds pretty reasonable. Last month, after my birthday party, when people asked me how my party went, I responded with a description of the type of people that had attended. Nobody there was from work, my softball team, or any group based on interests or activities. Instead, everyone there was connected to me by virtue of their willingness and ability to be close friends, safe and honest people, regardless of how I was introduced to them. That felt really great to me as much of my life had been filled with repressed feelings, a sense of isolation, and feelings of inadequacy. What a big change for me over the past few years.

Blech. Coughing hurts. It's the damn headache that kills!!!

Okay. Sitting up now. A little better.

I have a eulogy to write for my father's memorial service. Just noting that as a very strange to do.

I learned today that an old friend of mine is having a really hard time of things on several fronts. I was bummed that I hadn't perceived the extent of things over the past few times I had seen him. Ever find yourself in that situation? I'm glad that, at least< I learned of it before it was "too late".

That "too late" thing has been swirling in my mind. I'm really glad that, with both my brother and my father, I was able to have a clean slate with them before they died. Thinking about that now, there are a few more amends I need to make and they constitute the entire list of people I'd have regrets with if they died tomorrow. That's a pretty cool thing where I can live without regrets. That fact didn't become clear for me until just now.

What I feel most sad about, though, concerning those two deaths is that I didn't spend more time having an active relationship with them before they died. I'm not feeling guilty about it, but I am sad. I think I was, in both cases, afraid of getting involved with certain aspects of their lives. That sounds like a cop out excuse right now, but, for better or worse, during these past few years of change and growth for me, there have been soft spots or sensitivities within myself that I chose to give a wide berth to for fear that I'd lose my footing. My "slippery slope" manifests itself in a number of ways.

I still feel kinda like a chicken, though, in some ways. One of the ways that I've been "playing it safe" has been with having a girlfriend. I feel really picky about who I'm going to commit to that I haven't committed to anyone in a long time. I see so many people around me that have relationships -- most people AFAIK. I don't imagine they are all having perfect relationships, nor do I expect myself to have one. "Playing it safe", though, is keeping me from playing at all. I think there are a couple aspects of my life that I manage in that way. At time, I long to be adventurous.

Then again, I can say that I have clear recollection of how messy m life has been in the past, especially during my "reckless years". Those were, not coincidentally, the same years before I got a clue on how to respect and love myself.

I gotta get to sleep. And what's up with this Advil? Do they have a 30 minute guarantee or something? I get more satisfaction from pizza delivery.

I say again -- blech.

Still love you all, though. Later.