My father's death - Day 2

Well, this is gonna be a long post as its been quite a day. At some point below, I think my description of events may get kinda graphic, even grisly, but I'm moving into less of a reporter role and more of a recording role.

Highlights of the day include:

- getting an "insurance replacement rental" car in a town that has no rentals
- making a decision on cremation vs viewing
- Road Trip!
- sharing truths with Charlotte
- finding the accident site
- the beginnings of a eulogy
- clearing the wreck of stuff
- phone calls from my Neils
- firework store!
- road food
- the beauty of New Mexico weather
- realizing another loss in the family
- the Joy of Massive Support
- playing a cello for the second time
- hating my lack of pitch on a violin
- Sarah rocks!
- a generous spirit

See? I told you it'd be long. It's taken me 15 minutes just to note the highlights!

So, here I go.

getting an "insurance replacement rental" car in a town that has no rentals
Last night, El Paso experienced a hail storm. I became aware of this after 15 minutes online trying to get a rental car, being told by webpages that there was no inventory at this location (also), and finally having an explanation given by a person via phone. I had a conversation with the car insurance people, though, and I was told of the $30 per day allowance for a car rental. I was a bit dismayed as economy cars were coming up as $60-ish per day, though, until I spoke the magic words to the rental rep -- "insurance replacement". Suddenly there were cars available, at least at Avis (as I was working my way up from perceived lowest cost agencies), and Louis at the North Mesa location turned out to be one of those people I'd hire immediately if I had my own company. With an insurance replacement, you get drastically reduced prices and I ended up with an AWD SUV for under $30 a day (just over as adding me as an additional driver was $1.50 a day). I got this for up to 30 days as well from the insurance coverage which opened up the possibility of driving it back to San Diego except for the fact that this particular car was not a "foreign"(?) car marked for one-way travel to distant locations. Morals of this highlight -- check your policy for "insurance replacement" rental coverage, mention this to your rental agent, drive away happily!

making a decision on cremation vs viewing
Just before doing all that, Charlotte suggested contacting a couple other relatives, people with very close relations to dad, for their opinions on the decision of his final arrangements. Based on that, where I got further support for my preference, we decided on cremation. This was also based on Chinese and Christian leanings of not needing a physical form for reconciliation. A dear friend had written a letter to me last night where she shared the same catharsis as I did when seeing and touching my brother in his casket, but I've come to the conclusion that this will have to be one of those experiences where people dig deep into their imaginations and recall their own images of my father in memoriam. The plan is now for Charlotte and me to view my father before cremation tomorrow at 11:30a. The cremation will take place after and will be several hours long. My father's remains will be available for us to retrieve Saturday morning.

Road Trip! and sharing truths with Charlotte
So, Charlotte and I start our trek to Lordsburg, NM in our rental. Now, Charlotte and I have known each other for 24 years since she married my dad. I even lived with them for a while in El Cajon back in the 80s. I think, though, that this was the first time that she and I ever did anything together alone. This turned out to be Yet Another Blessing from this time. We've always had a pretty good rapport which is kinda easy with her as she's one of the most gentle people I know on this earth. Thankfully, to add to this mix, I've done some growing up over the years. This gave us a chance to really share some intimate time together, something invaluable to me in a number of ways including getting to know her very deeply and having her share her experiences with my dad over these past two decades, most of which we spent emotionally distant from each other.

finding the accident site
Along the way, I contacted State Trooper Holguin, the officer responsible at the accident site. He told me where we could find the site -- just past mile marker 20 between 20 and 19. The site was not apparent on our first drive by, but we walked backwards and discovered the site after about a quarter mile walking. This turned out to be one of the most peculiar experiences of my life. As we walked, searching for some signs, we noticed some wheel covers here and there, one which we picked up thinking it might be dad's. Then we found the first picture. It was shocking to come to the realization that this really was the place. Charlotte had known that dad was traveling with some fond memorabilia and it seems he had a number of them in the front of the car with him when he crashed. as we discovered more and more of these pictures, we ended up finding a concentration of items which helped us to see the tracks from his car where it left the road. I was taking some pictures along the way, but I realized how little I was paying attention to the shots. I was caught between seeing with my eyes and thinking with my mind, trying to piece together what had happened. Charlotte and I were on the same page and we ended with a pretty clear chain of events. One of the things that got me in the gut was a patch of broken glass, a faded Peace Corps sticker keeping parts together in a corner. I was stuck in place for a few moments, not being able to move away, feeling a sense of gravity, grieving this spot of ground where my father's car had struck. We continued searching, finding dozens of pictures, assorted items that were unmistakably his, ending with a prayer between the two of us and God in the middle of that median. The walk back to the car was a fractured weightlessness (that's me trying to come up with something more descriptive than "surreal").

the beginnings of a eulogy
We had to turn around a couple times on the highway. I don't actually recall if I started these particular thoughts of a eulogy before this or at this time, but I started wondering how much of my father's humanity (read "imperfection") would I feel compelled to include in final words about him compared to how much of his virtues and works. It had been suggested to me to share his honorable and positive virtues while basically downplaying anything else. I'm still sitting with that one and, while I have no need to share dirty laundry, I know that I feel no shame or judgment for him at this time. There would be no malice or denigration intended, just truth and honesty, an attempt to honor all of him exactly as he was.

This next section is going to be very frank and I can imagine some people thinking I'm being inappropriate, maybe even crude or disrespectful. For those that may think my description of my father's wreck might be offensive, please skip this section.

clearing the wreck of stuff
If I thought the accident site was surreal, I wasn't prepared for this. My father's car was a wreck, and I know wrecks. I don't think I've ever seen the results first hand from the Jaws of Life, but these were clear. His car matched what I had imagined based on the accident site and the State Trooper's description, but there was all this clarity and detail that I didn't imagine. The roofline was crushed. I could see how his body was hurt from the fall of the car. My heart felt so heavy imagining his experience and right now as I'm typing I feel so helpless. My mind's been replaying and shuffling what I've pieced together between the time of the crash, now in such detail, and the recollection of his time in the hospital. I'm so thankful that his rescuers helped him through that experience with compassion, that they aided him in avoiding so much pain. Charlotte and I were limited by time now as the storage location was going to close so we had to prioritize what to keep and what to leave. I kinda kicked into control mode and started directing Charlotte, ostensibly to avoid her getting cut by some of the picture frame glass that had broken, but also because I knew I could be somewhat discerning under the time crunch. The trunk was first to go as I wanted to grab the larger items to put into our rental. My dad was a pack rat, like me, so there were lots of little items that I understood his value of yet, in this context, were throwaway. I started getting lost again, as I did at the crash site, with that seeing versus thinking thing as I found myself imagining his thoughts while packing, while selecting what to bring to this next stage in his life. He was moving out to live with me. He was carrying these precious things that he'd had for many years -- snapshots, pocket calendars, artwork from friends. I was working pretty quickly, finishing the trunks, then finishing the back seat. There was road food that was tossable. There was glass, clothing, tools, and office equipment that was throwaway. Then I started on the front passenger seat and I saw more than just pictures like we'd found earlier. I found blood stains. I could see how injured he was now, how he had lost so much blood such that the hospital had to give him a complete transfusion. I hadn't recognized this aspect of his condition when I saw him in the hospital and it had been easily dismissed by me as I was so focused on him being "stable". I found myself once again regretting how I didn't understand the significance of his condition being "critical". I urge anyone in my position to learn from my mistake and to stay with your loved one when they are in that condition. "Critical" really means that they are on the edge of life. As I collected his bits and pieces or memorabilia, many of them stained and encrusted, I felt so sad to think of his time there in that car.

- phone calls from my Neils
- firework store!
- road food
- the beauty of New Mexico weather
- realizing another loss in the family
- the Joy of Massive Support
- playing a cello for the second time
- hating my lack of pitch on a violin
- Sarah rocks!
- a generous spirit named Patrick

It's 12:30a now and I'm tired. I'm going to leave the rest of this in this form fully understanding that I may never get back to it. Tomorrow is going to be unlike anything I've ever done and, having not been able to get through this fully, I imagine I'm going to be behind the eight ball for a while anyway.

I still love you all and I will end with this (fulfilling the Joy of Massive Support point above). I have never been buoyed by so much support before in my life. I've had some outrageous accidents and been carried through by many each time and this has been even beyond those.

I've found that the more I share my truth, the closer I get to people. That turns into true intimacy, safety, love, and abundance. I continue to be humbled and grateful for all of you.