My father's death - Day 3 - evening

I'm pretty tired. This past week has been really busy and I've been doing things that I feel I've never really prepared myself for. After typing that out loud, I can see that I have prepared for some of this: rental cars, medical insurance claims, road trips, consensus through committee. I definitely wasn't prepared for some of it: life insurance claims, funeral arrangements, consensus through committee, grieving like this.

I have taken care of myself through naps when too tired, decent meals, meditation, and staying honest with myself and others. I have immense gratitude to the Shing family and their church body who have all welcomed me and supported me in many ways.

Friday nights are regular gatherings for their church. They meet downstairs in a church that is 125 years old in downtown El Paso. They have a potluck dinner with free time and ping pong and then they split into different groups. They have lessons in Chinese, lessons for kids, and a service for adults. The adult service alternates between bible study and a presentation from one of the members. This week had Ben presenting basic info on heart disease, very cool. I had to give him props on his presentation as it was very clear and palatable for the wide range of ages and education levels in the group.

Prior to that, Patrick (who ministers completely voluntarily!), after I was welcomed and after he explained my circumstances for being in El Paso, asked if I wanted to say a few words about my father. I'm always a little nervous speaking in front of a crowd but I did want to share some of what this experience was about and, with Patrick translating for me, I told these new friends about my dad and, rather than talk about his death, I shared about his character, what was important to him, some of what he did. I talked about my perspective on this event and not simply what I had lost, but much more of what I gained.

It seems to me that what I lost was a relatively simple thing, albeit incredibly deep and profound. What I've been gaining in just this past week has been a growing panoply full of potential. I believe I'll be cherishing what I've lost over a long period of time, sort of like an everlasting gobstopper. I believe I'll be celebrating what I've been finding for just as long.

Rewinding to earlier in the day, both Charlotte and I woke with a sense of wanting to dress dad in more formal clothing for his cremation around mid-day. I called the funeral home and they were willing, but I had to hustle. Charlotte and I bought a pair of shoes, socks, and a Texas Rangers necktie at Wal-mart, then drove to the funeral home. After dropping them off, we hung around in the shade and chilled out waiting for the time to see my father before sending him to the crematorium.

There were five of us there -- myself, Charlotte, Patrick, his wife Anita, and our new friend Sue. Shortly after we arrived, I got a call from one of my relatives who was shocked to learn of our plans to cremate my father.

I was surprised while I took some time to understand where they were coming from and what they wanted me to do about it. They were asking for me to postpone the viewing so that they could fly down and see him. I was torn. I felt worry and regret for having not communicated clearly enough what the plan was. I thought I had considered enough close relatives and relayed my decision, but obviously I hadn't done enough.

I had a heavy heart telling them that to make changes to the agenda wouldn't be possible. Doing so would have been a big deal and, frankly, I just didn't have the energy to make it happen. When I returned to home base later that afternoon, I sent off an apology along with my regrets. I relay this for anyone reading who might find themselves in a similar situation as there are a lot of details to consider during a time like this, way more than I am used to.

I had more business to attend to signing the order form for the viewing, cremation, presentation, etc. I gotta tell you, funeral homes offer a pre-arranged funeral and there's an awful lot to be said about that. The business was incredibly distracting and I was pretty dismissive about it all, not nearly as patient as I would normally be for a transaction of this magnitude. I'm grateful to the funeral home, though, as there were various ways where I just trusted in them to take care of things in a respectful and honorable manner, and they did. In fact, rather than just have us view dad on a gurney with a sheet on it, they tossed in a rental casket. I didn't realize until later how nice that was.

We shared some scripture and prayer and, after about 30 minutes, were lead to a viewing room where my father lay.

There he was, in a casket, wearing his suit and shirt that we pulled from his wreck, and the necktie that we brought. I'm just realizing now that we never saw his shoes that we bought him because the lower half of him was covered. I stood next to him with Charlotte and the first thing I said was "he looks good". He did, at peace, sleeping, made up to not show his hurts, dressed up to look like he did at his finest. He was cold when I touched him, but I did touch him, on his arm at first, then his chest, his other arm, his cheek, his hair. I lay on his chest. We sang Amazing Grace together. Charlotte cried and held him. Our friends were just there for us. I thought of his last few days and felt deep sorrow. I knew I was never going to see him again and I said goodbye. I knew it was just his body, but I said it anyway. I closed my eyes and talked to him in my heart and I knew he was there just like my brother.

I don't know how much time passed, but it wasn't long. We left and at lunch together then returned to base and I napped. Hard.

During lunch and after waking, we discussed handing over the responsibility of arranging the memorial service to others who had been offering their services and support. I was ready to be co-pilot or even just executive producer as the arrangements thus far were tiring and I knew I had more to come. We've started the process for the memorial service and more details will come.

At this point, we headed to the Friday night service, but you've probably read about that above.

Later this evening, I touched based with my cousin Lili. Then I spoke with Sarah and we shared our missing grandpa, the truth that he loved her and that she would have enjoyed him as he was a bit of a nutjob like she is, the prospect of her meeting Charlotte, and how sad I felt about missing another one of her soccer games. Oh, she was very clear that there wasn't any point in playing a soccer game if she wasn't going to have fun. I'm so proud of her.

The end of my evening, just before writing this, I got to play a couple games of chess with Loktao. One win for me, an interrupted game after a careless move, and a stalemate when I couldn't finish his king with my king and knight. Anyone know if that can be done?

The plan for tomorrow is to rent a different car for a one way trip to San Diego, collect dad's remains as soon as we're able, then drive with Charlotte in time to catch a Sunday service that dad would have attended.

Good night all.