My Own Private Dating Game

So I'm dating, or at least trying to, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm an "intense" person. Yet, I know there's a part of me -- a large part -- that is very fluffy and light-hearted.

When I'm with people, though, I find I tend towards being intense, and honest, and unflinching, and provocative. Even I get tired of that being the de facto, thus this post.

I'm coming to believe that my need to be intense is yet another thing borne out of fear of rejection. I'm so hard up to test/check/ensure that the person I'm with won't let me down, won't disappoint, won't misperceive. I'm so concerned that I will miss something crucial that will make me feel like I've made another tragic and premature decision in my life. I'm also afraid that, if I don't come across as serious in my relationships, that people will dismiss me as not being safe myself, as not having integrity, as not being strong yet vulnerable.

I certainly would like to be light-hearted, bubbly, even effervescent, but I've got such a strong aversion to basing a relationship from those feelings as if that would be cheap or flimsy.

Just throwing this out there. Can anyone relate to this?

JON CARROLL

The San Francisco Gate's Jon Carroll brings light to the insanity that is censorship of breasts. Even on PBS.

It saddens me greatly that PBS has been subsumed into the prudishness of our day. The article relays the context of the censorship as well, that being an elderly woman days away from death by cancer.

I call that inhumane. In the same breath, I call the censorship of any other breast inhumane, disrespectful, abusive through neglect, and oppressive. We are human beings. Human beings have breasts and other sexual organs as do every other mammal on the planet. How much effort goes into blurring out every sex organ being presented visually? Could we maybe redirect that energy towards education instead?

Can we grow up as a race? Even if we grow up slowly over time, maybe in 40 years of development, our society could be mature enough to handle bare breasts? Or handle the ravages of cancer? How about the effects of STDs on penises or vaginas? What about basic hygiene? Where will that material be presented?

I don't know the current state of sex education in American schools. Perhaps they've made major headway and today's teens are growing with a truly well informed sense of their genitalia. From the reflection via pop culture, though, I'm worried that they're being misinformed somehow.

It's reviews like this that make me love CHUD!

I haven't distinguished the various reviewers by writing style, but I like them all. This review of The Doors' DVD is exemplary. To wit:

There's one more force in play, though, which Morrison never considered, despite its predominance in poetry, and that's the love of other people. Morrison's long-time, tolerant girlfriend Pam (Ryan) appears throughout the film, from the first sequence to the last, and exerts her weak power as much as she can, until it leaves her exhausted and spent. It's interesting to note that even in the culture of solipsism that Morrison inhabits, a sense of monogamy is the engine that, in some ways, keeps him alive. Pam tries so hard to break Morrison out of the triangle of sex, death, and god, and she never quite succeeds. It's a bitter picture painted by the admission that love does not conquer all, that it only conquers those who surrender to it.

Maybe Morrison never considered love of other people -- who's to say? Such insight in a review for a DVD gives me pause for thought, though, not so much in considering Morrison's life experience as much as mine. These types of considerations are often present in CHUD reviews along with endowments of film/movie/story telling academics. I like that depth of consideration.

The contributors to CHUD can also be jerks -- in a truth telling, strongly opinionated, all-with-conviction sort of way. I like that too.

Massive update!

Here are some random happenings from the past few months in no particular order:

- Got email from Adrian Belew's webmaster asking for permission to use two of my photos for Ade's website! Here's a quote:

My name is Rob Murphree and I am Adrian Belew’s webmaster. I’ve looked at your Flickr photos and think they’re some of the best live concert photos I’ve seen in years – if not ever.

- Installed my own laminate flooring at my condo and got new appliances for my kitchen, which I installed myself! This included rearranging my entire living/dining room.

- I helped Hsiao Hsiao move back to his mother's place (sad day!). I miss you, Hsiao.

- Sarah's a caretaker for a dwarf hamster named Crackers, or Cracker for short. I guess that makes me a grandfather.

- I've powered through several movie series including: Rocky 1-6, The Lord of the Rings (extended versions), Mission Impossible 1-3, Battlestar Galactica (s1-s2), Rome (most of s1), Firefly and Serenity, Star Wars I-III.

- One of the best shows I've ever seen was BT's performance of This Binary Life. If you can see it, go. If not, get the DVD and immerse yourself!

- If you can take a month or more off from working, do it! I've had the best time just living for myself and I've gotten more out of this time than I can ever remember in my past.

More to follow...

A long time coming

Here's a recap from the end of 2006. I've never been happier. I've had some amazing things happen in my life that have no simpler explanation than connecting with my spirituality.

Some of the things that have occurred for me include having a healthier sense of myself, a calmer disposition in almost all cases, healthier and stronger boundaries for me to live my life by, many new and improved relationships -- in short, happiness, joy, and freedom.

My relationships with my parents have never been better. The gameplan for now is to spend ten days with my mother in Shanghai come July of this year ('07). How cool is that?!?

I've reconnected with my step-daughter, Emily. She's amazing and one of the two most precious relationships I have in my life.

My relationship with my daughter, Sarah, is rock solid, closer, and more loving than any other relation I have.

I've reconnected with my niece (Amy) and nephew (Eric), two relationships I felt pretty hopeless about.

I have many friends, both in and out of my recovery program, that I can be open and honest with, that I share a clear sense of trust with, and that help me go through this life with dignity, respect, and gratitude.

I've been able to pursue my own ambitions with courage and dignity.

I'm happy like never before.

There are more things that have been happening for me, but I think this is more than enough for me to keep doing what I'm doing. If you happen to read this, let me know so I can include you in my thoughts.

With love,

Burt