Early Sunday update

It's 1am and I'm trying to clear off some things that have needed to be blogged about. This won't get posted until later today, but that is the nature of my writing sometimes.

Photos in the wild

Here's a FlickrMail I got informing me that some of my pictures are being used elsewhere on the net:

:: Schmap: San Diego Photo Inclusion

Hi Burton,

I am delighted to let you know that two of your photos with
a Creative Commons license have been selected for inclusion
in the newly released fourth edition of our Schmap San
Diego Guide:

San Elijo Lagoon Ecological Reserve
http://www.schmap.com/sandiego/activities_daytrips/p=165195/i=165195.jpg

San Elijo Lagoon Ecological Reserve
http://www.schmap.com/sandiego/activities_daytrips/p=165195/i=165195_1.jpg

If you like the guide and have a website, blog or personal
page, then please also check out our schmapplets -
customizable widgetized versions of our Schmap San Diego
Guide, complete with your published photos:

http://www.schmap.com/schmapplets/p=60318210N00/c=SF20282238

Please enjoy the guide!

Best regards,

Emma Williams,
Managing Editor, Schmap Guides

I'm pretty stoked to hear that my pics are being used by others. This is also the most officious use of my Creative Commons licensed work. I like it.

I've finally learned how to deal with compression valves!

During the past day and a half, I replaced three valves under sink and toilet. It all got started with replacing the toilet fill valve which had stopped stopping the flow of water to fill my toilet with. When I got going (Finally! I've owned the replacement for a year or so!), I crimped the feed hose coming from the wall. This hose was a single unit with the feed valve installed on the wall pipe so I had to completely replace the valve in order to replace the hose.

The same situation was under my kitchen sink and I've been threatening to replace those for pretty much the same calendar year as with the toilet fill valve. Yes, I'm a very "tolerant" person. I've owned a replacement kitchen faucet with a nice extensible handle that's been sitting under the sink for too long.

I'd learned a couple months ago how to replace these types of valves. The biggest headache was that I had to turn off the water for the entire condo building, a total of eight units. That required advance notice (ideally 48 hours) and the time to flush the system (supposedly 40 minutes before work can begin).

So, I finally make the notices and distribute those. I get the replacement valve for the toilet (I already had the ones for the kitchen sink, but more on that later). I bought a compression washer removal tool as well, having had prior experience with those pains in the butt. All set.

Water's off. Removing the valve from the toilet goes okay, even with removing the compression washer. The sink washers won't come off, though, so I cut them away with my Dremel tool. Replace the valves, turn on the water main, tighten the valves down, all good. Or so I think.

The toilet gets completed with little trouble. The sink, though, is my worst nightmare, that being my own lameness in not dry fitting all the parts before installing. Turns out the valves I bought oh so long ago worked all the way up until I wanted to connect the new faucet. Both hot and cold from the faucet were 3/8 inch fittings, but the free outlets from the new valves were 1/4 inch.

Lorenzo was over that night and he's never seen me so frustrated! Grrrr... I really can't stand when I make such an oversight. Plus, I wasn't looking forward to the prospect of having to remove these compression washers as well. Finally, on the hot water lead, I was running out of pipe as I had cut a little bit away to avoid the crimping of the pipe caused by the original valve.

Well, happy ending. Saturday night, I get the correct replacement valves. Really. And, I speak to an employee at Home Depot that actually knows his stuff -- they're there, but somewhat rare. He said I didn't have to remove the old compression washers! He also reminded me to use Teflon tape on all the threads of my work.

I was going to do this in the dead of night, but I was getting tired and impatient, so Sarah and I tell all the neighbors at 8:15 that the water'd be shut off at 8:30 for 30 minutes. I replace everything and get it all tightened down by 9:10. Ahhh. I replace valves.

Lessons from the story?

1) Dry fit everything.
2) Compression washers don't always need to be replaced.
3) Use Teflon tape on threadings used for water. (Use dope for threadings used for gas.)

Racing last Sunday

Last Sunday, I attended the Novice School given by some of our local autocross clubs. I learned some great stuff to improve my driving.

Saturday was a three hour classroom session with presentation by Ron Chapman. This was at C2 Motorsports in Kearny Mesa. I plan on doing business with them at some point. First off will be the replacement Green Air Filter for my car, an aftermarket replacement that has rated an increase of 5 hp!

Sunday morning was a lot of organization and orientation. All the participants were broken into groups of about 4:1 students to instructors. The parking lot was broken into 4 exercises, generally described (by me) as: 1) slalom, 2) decreasing radius turns, 3) cone gates, and 4) hairpin/finish. The afternoon had us all racing the four exercises strung together into a single course.

Lessons from the class (as posted at sdsolo.com)?

* Seat time. Period.
* Look ahead.
* My car can still go further than I can.
* Racer's are fun. (I knew that already)
* Volunteer Race Instructors are cool.
* I want to work course before driving next time.

Driving on the street just can't provide the same experience as seat time on a course, regardless of how hard I drive. I imagine at some point, I can translate what I do on the street using only The Power of my Mind, but that's such a stretch right now.

Looking ahead makes total sense to me. I learned to do that with reading music in order to keep up. It's an interesting mix of trusting my skills to play what I've already read while allowing enough mental bandwidth to comprehend what I'm heading into in the next few seconds. I don't yet trust my skills to not knock over cones when my attention is ahead of me and I'm still trying to find the sweet spot of how far I can look ahead and process fully. Reading the course is a lot to think about at speed, at least for me.

The people were all really cool. Lots of generosity of spirit amongst everyone. I relish that environment where I can strive as hard as I can without fear of bruising someone's ego or riling up the unruly, all while getting lots of information and guidance.

The afternoon was broken into two groups and I was racing in the first, which worked for me at the time as I was itching to drive. After working the course while the second group drove, though, I think I would get a lot of value at working course first. While out there, I watched nearly fifty or so runs by various drivers and I could see what worked and what didn't. I didn't get to drive the course again after watching all the other drivers, but I had a head full of ideas to try. I'm going to try to arrange a session where I work course first.

This was my first time on racing tires having just picked up some used Kuhmo V700s. Having recently replaced my stock shocks with Koni Sports, and then now having the advent of race tires, I have sooo much room to go before reaching the limits of my machine. That translates to a really large fun zone
insert link for me.

Once again, my envelope for what is possible was extended drastically from just a single ride with an instructor. The fact that I had two rides with two different instructors was icing.

My ride with Barbara in her Corvette showed how it's possible for the car to attain an ideal direction at the apex of a turn through throttle, torque, and assertive steering. My steering in comparison was slow and cumbersome.

My ride with Carl in his Integra showed how brisk and assertive steering can shorten a slalom. His steering inputs were quick turns and then quick returns to center. Mine were much slower causing a more gradually curving path for my car rather than his straighter point-to-point path.

Here's hoping I can manage to attend November 4th's runs at Qualcomm. I need seat time.

Oh, btw, my four times from running the full course were: 57.754, 60.904+4, 56.837, and 57.444+4. My first lap was the time to beat after everyone had taken their first turns. Pretty flattering, but I couldn't maintain consistency. I'm really happy with my times, though, and the net result was major Perma-Grin(tm).

Vedic star charts are profoundly accurate!

I met with Prana, a friend through Neil who offers healing in a variety of ways. We spent Friday night from 5-7p together and I've only been able to talk about it once since with any clarity or coherence. Lorenzo was hanging with me later that night and I just couldn't quite wrap myself around the reading enough to talk about it by then.

As a record, here's my birth time as read to me by my mom from her copy of my birth certificate: September 16, 1966 @ 12:55 PM, Roosevelt Hospital, New York City, NY

More on this later, but for now, "Wow." Also, please allow me to pimp his site.

A bunch of new photo sets

A heavy day of updates on my Flickr page. Sets include:

The End of a Physical Life

Sarah's soccer game this past Saturday (10/20/07)

Sarah and Kiarra in the park today (10/25/07)

Sunset from Carlsbad today (10/25/07)

U.S. CBO estimates $2.4 trillion long-term war costs | Politics | Reuters

U.S. CBO estimates $2.4 trillion long-term war costs

Looks like the terrorists have won. This sure puts a damper on our American Way of Life, unless we really are warmongers and debtors at the core.

Fire Status - Tuesday morning

I awoke around 5:30a to catch news from KPBS' webcast talk about a fire that 15 minutes earlier had just flowed around the mountain that contained its transmitter. 10 minutes later, at 10:40a, their broadcast stopped.

The fire has gained major ground overnight.

Charlotte left to return to Chapel Hill last night on her flight at 10:30p. I'll call her later this morning.

I am safe. My car is packed with bare necessities as of 8:30p last night. My friend, Stu, came over after evacuating his home in Carmel Del Mar. My upstairs neighbor left last night to stay at family. Other neighbors of mine -- Colleen, Dana, and Madrine, are staying in touch with me and we're all together sharing evacuation info for our area.

Sarah and her mother were evacuated yesterday afternoon from La Costa. They are with friends in San Diego. The plan as of last night was to touch base this morning so I can take care of Sarah today. All schools that I know of are certainly closed.

I've been using the San Diego County Emergency website for official info, but there have been several hour periods without updates after 5p yesterday. KPBS has a low bandwidth page for info even though it seems their over air broadcast has been lost. KPBS has also been updating a Google Map with events. I'm getting spotty webcasts from KGTV 10 News that just resumed.

I'll post here with major events that involve me as I can.

A Final Goodbye to a Physical Life

Ahem.

"...dear friends, in these days of modern time, when you can't tell the ACs from the DCs..." (From Firesign Theater's "Don't Crush That Dwarf, Hand Me The Pliers")

There were a couple thoughts on my mind this morning as I awoke this morning. Those included:

Thresholds

Family

Spirit

Ashes in the ocean

Sea of stars

Where to find Good Chinese in San Diego

But first...

Yesterday was a very full day, one where I realized how far I could go on a tank of gas, how long I could go on 4 hours of sleep, and, in turn, the profound depth of comfort from a memorial service that can provide a great night's sleep.

I tried to go to sleep the night before around midnight, but was awakened by the urge to finish the slideshow and eulogy that I was to share the next morning at 10a. Bear in mind, I had morning traffic from San Diego to Monterey Park in LA in front of me. I was also pretty wrung out from another day of less than optimal energy the day before.

Upon lying down, my mind was busy with all the photographs I had discovered the day before. Ironically, though, the thought that hit me hard awake was that I would never hear my father's voice again. I ended up staying awake until 4a trying to work that into my eulogy, but it just wasn't working. I think I was trying too hard.

Fell asleep to be awakened by Sarah at 7:40. Totally missed the alarms if they actually rang. I got into Hustle Mode and got out the door. I hardly sped (it's all relative!) and got to the church in Monterey Park with about 30 minutes to spare. Nice.

I met my cousin Alfie, the minister that would lead the service, and his wife. I set up the projector and tried to make the slide show work, but as it wasn't going smoothly/effortlessly, I started letting go of what my eulogy needed to be like.

My friends, Pete & Tracy, came. Leslee and Mitch from San Diego came. How cool was that?!? They got to meet my family which spanned across three generations and continues to amaze me with how broad it is. My Great Uncle was there, my Aunt Lucy, a bunch of cousins, some classmates from my father's classes in Taiwan, members of the Canaan Church up in the San Jose area, aunts from Charlotte's side. I know I'm missing some people, but it was wonderful how many people attended and how they really exemplified the breadth of dad's history.

A family tree project is in the works. More on that later. Anyone know a good Mac OS developer that wants to work on a cool project?

Here are the notes that I ended up using in a very broad manner:

>Pic of Dad

My father is gone.

>Pics of him young

He called me last month to tell me that he was going to drive across the country again to come live with me. That's the last time I heard his voice.

After my father died, Charlotte and I gathered the things that he was traveling with in his car. As of yesterday, when we finally looked through it all, I have a lot of pictures of him, more than I ever knew existed. I now have the chance to go back in time to see him as he was over the course of his life.

He came to America as a young man, at a time when there weren't a lot of other people like him doing what he was doing. He started out very much a foreigner, but he immersed himself into this culture. In this way, he was an explorer and an adventurer.

There's a quality to a person's voice when they speak from conviction, from strength and courage, when they speak from the heart. If you heard my father speak, you know that his voice was strong, clear, hearty, and playful. He spoke from his heart. I'm really going to miss hearing his voice.

>Pics of Sons

Dad was incredibly encouraging. He was very willing to help us in our passions and pursuits. He helped me get started in my profession with my first computer and he also enabled me to own my first home. He was also often the loudest parent at a wrestling match for Calvin or a soccer game for me. The sound of his voice yelling "Go for it!" is something I'll never hear again.

>Pics of Calvin

My father raised me and my brother, Calvin. Calvin was born in 1958 but he died in July of 2004. He was 46. He had three children, two step-daughters and a son. As of yesterday, I have a bunch of letters that my father saved, letters between myself, Calvin, and my father. I can now recall the situations in the past, and see pictures of both of them as they grew over the passage of time. I'm incredibly sad, though, as the absence from this life is the simple truth of their deaths. They aren't here anymore.

>Pics of Me

This is me. I was born in 1966, 41 years ago. I have two children, a step daughter, Emily, now going to school in New York City, and another daughter, Sarah, who's here today. She's going to be eight years old this December. If you ask her, I think she'll tell you that I can be pretty loud on the sidelines. I got that loud voice from her grandpa.

When I first learned of his accident, I was truly surprised. As I was saying, my father was a traveler -- he was a "road warrior". He drove all over this country many times visiting every single state at least once, many of them several times, making friends along the way.

We went on a couple of road trips together when I was a child. I've had a lifelong love of airplanes and one of my most vivid childhood memories was during a road trip down to Pensacola, FL where I saw the Blue Angels flying for the first time. I've become a pretty good traveler, and I owe that to him and I'm passing that on to Sarah as well.

>Pause

My father was married once before to my natural mother, Beth Chen. She asked me to convey her regrets at the passing of my father.

>Pics of Charlotte.

These are pictures of my father with his wife, Charlotte. They were married for over 24 years. Charlotte was more than a wife to my father, she also became a mother to me and Calvin even as adults.

My father loved Charlotte so much that he invested his entire being into his relationship with her. Over the years, she became the very closest person on this earth to my father. I'm incredibly grateful that she's in my life today. It's a wonderful thing to be able to share memories of my father together with the person who knew him best.

>Pics of Family, Friends and Service

My father took family pretty seriously. I regret having been pretty distant to my relatives, but I know he loved his relatives very much.

He also loved kids. A lot.

My father demonstrated a deep commitment to being of service to his fellow man. Over the years, my father made hundreds, probably thousands, of friends across the globe. He was truly a people person, someone who could introduce himself to anyone. He had a mischievous sense of humor, but never at a person's expense.

He loved to engage with people, often on the tennis court, or over a meal. He had an amazing appetite yet he stayed fit through exercise and activity.

He was a minister and an educator. He was also a scholar earning many degrees from higher education. He was an author and a translator, most recently translating books from Slovak to Chinese. He was a builder and a mediator. He was a son, an uncle, and a brother. He was also a singer, always willing to lend his voice to a choir or for a hymn. He had a strong tenor voice and it was distinct enough that you could pick him out of a crowd.

>Pics of Dad

In the end, to me, he was just my dad.

Growing up, I got frustrated with him, I rolled my eyes at him, and I made fun of him with my brother. I rebelled against him, argued with him, and I pushed against him trying to find my own way.

I can tell you that he did his part. In large part, because of him, I know myself today as a man. He provided me with many things of lasting value.

First off, he gave me his hearty appetite, but I think I may have missed out on his metabolism.

He gave me a healthy body that I've now passed on to my daughter, Sarah.

He gave me intelligence and the sense to know its value within myself and others.

He taught me honesty, respect, laughter, and a sense of fairness.

He inspired my compassion, and courage.

He showed me generosity of spirit.

I think it's the most meaningful thing that I learned from him has been my spirituality. I've come to see that, now after so many years, he was the one who most inspired that within me.

In the past few years, we talked about our relations with God. I can tell you this, that regardless of the words we used to describe our relations and perceptions of God, we were talking about the same thing. This was regardless of whether we used names like Holy Spirit, God, or my big buddy that's always there with me.

Because of this, I know with absolute certainty that my father is here with me now, he is with God right now, and as much as I will miss his physical presence, the activities that we could have shared, the sounds of his voice -- I have him with me now.

I leave you with this image of him, Samuel Lo, a man of this world.

A few people shared personal anecdotes from their times with my dad before I spoke. Because of how casually that flowed, I ended up following suit and sharing my thoughts with less structure than the notes above suggested. After a few minutes, I just showed the slideshow with some cello music from Yo-Yo Ma that Cousin Hanna had picked out.

We finished the service soon after, and spoke in the parking lot for a few to coordinate the trek south to San Diego. I look forward to getting my cousin Alfie in the passenger seat for a couple hot laps. Heh.

We worked our way down to the marina in four different cars at different paces. Thank God the traffic worked in our favor. We all got down there around 3:30. I had Hanna and Sarah in my car and we made good enough time to stop by my place to change, scruff Bud a little, grab water, and get some plastic bags and a large spoon. Hanna recalled someone using baggies to hand portions of ashes to everyone so they could spread them themselves and/or keep some for themselves. We ended up doing something different, but it was a cool idea.

Ernie and Neil were waiting across the street as Michael met us at the Kona Kai. We all walked together to the boat which was Stars & Stripes, the race boat from the 1992 America's Cup. I'd been on this boat before and it was nice to be on it again.

My friend Elisa also showed up as we started in the boat docked with a small service shared by Big Uncle. Michael gave a safety speech and then we motored out.

We ended up a little past Cabrillo Point, south a bit towards Coronado. Michael turned the boat so that the port side of the boat behind the wheel was downwind giving us the side of the boat to use as a ledge.

We took turns using the big spoon to scoop out some of his ashes. We had brought along the flower arrangements from the memorial service and, due to Charlotte's (?) suggestion, we also tossed over a flower along with his ashes. I took the chance to hold the urn/box for each person as they used the spoon and also thanked each person after they were done.

With each scoop, I felt a little more whole, oddly enough. Seems counter-intuitive as I type this, but my empty feeling obviously wasn't a literal hole within me or my psyche. Instead, I think the emptiness represented my longing for him, my sadness at his absence, a vague sense of incompleteness that I couldn't describe or associate with anything in particular. What I can say, though, is that I felt joy and peace as more and more of him was returned to the ocean. I felt happier and even laughed as this was happening.

At the time, I was thinking of several thing: 1) how he loved using a big spoon, like the one we had, when he ate a good meal as he wanted to enjoy the meal that much more; 2) how each person might have been handling a person's remains for the first time (there are a lot more bits and pieces than I thought, definitely not just fine powdery ash); 3) that people were taking pretty small scoops.

I liked how each person had their own opportunity to let him go. I like to imagine that it made it more personal for everyone and not simply a ceremony or event that they were observing. I would recommend it for other people as a form of letting go.

Turns out that after everyone had their turn, there was a lot of ash left, so Charlotte and I did the rest. Mostly she was the one to take bigger and bigger scoops out, though I did the very last couple. Sarah was on hand to toss over most of the flowers.

It was an interesting visual to see the ash as it fell into the water. First off, I haven't mentioned how incredibly beautiful the weather was. The water was calm, the boat was hardly rocking at all, and the surface was smooth without the little wavelets that I usually see on the ocean.

Because of the smoothness of the water, I got to watch the ash as each scoop was tossed. The powder would disperse but not dissolve so that I could see the cloud of ash in the water. The fragments of bone would drop but I got to see them scattered within the cloud, and then fall deeper into the water. It was really memorable, each and every scoop.

At the end, even though I think the boat drifted a bit, all of the flowers were strewn behind the boat like, as Michael described it, a field of star. There were roses in red, white, and orange, as well as white carnations. They flowed behind the boat for about 20 or 30 yards. It was a photo opportunity, but I was just enjoying the view. I'm hoping that others might have captured it.

We were out on the boat for maybe two hours total by the time we docked. many of us (most importantly myself) were pretty hungry by this point so heading toward the restaurant took little coaxing. I had made 5:30p reservations for 17 or so at Jasmine Seafood restaurant on Convoy. I'd been there once or twice myself and remembered it to be pretty tasty, plus I had my friend Hallie corroborate that recommendation.

One of the cars got lost but we all ended up there by about 6:30 or so. Sarah stayed with as the plan resolved to be that I'd take her to her mom's after dinner which ended up over around 8:30 or so. Hanna took the helm and ordered food for, as it turned out, exactly 16 of us.

I don't feel like recounting the dinner at this point but, suffice it to say, it was delicious, very satisfying, and a warm coda to the day.

I also don't feel like getting into what I meant about "thresholds" above, but there were a lot of different meanings of that for me during the day. Maybe I'll get into that another time.

Once again, I felt carried by the support of my friends and (now) my family. I regret the time in my past that I took them for granted or simply didn't honor the precious value and gift of their intrinsic love and acceptance. I'm curious to see if I continue to honor these relations as I feel compelled to do at this time. I say that because I know how I've performed in the past, case in point with my dad.

I say this now, to all the bits and pieces of my father slowly working their way into the fabric of each and every one of us:

I love you, Dad, and I miss your presence in this world. You were a really cool person and I'm glad that you had as much time with me and everyone else as you did. We'll continue our lives together within the confines of my heart and mind until it's time for me to join you in the ether.

p.s. Sarah's been continuing to give me rabbit ears like you did in one of your pictures, thanks for _that_! She's also keen on playing more tennis "like grandpa" after she finishes this season of soccer. More later.

I am speechless! (re: "Bush hosts Dalai Lama...")

Bush hosts Dalai Lama amid Chinese outrage - Yahoo! News:

"Asked why Bush was going ahead with the talks, White House spokesman Tony Fratto said: 'He made it clear in his communications with the Chinese ... that when the Dalai Lama was in town for the congressional ceremony that they would meet. So there's no reason not to.'"

I long ago gave up on trying to understand President Bush, mostly because I didn't agree with his decisions, but also because I couldn't follow his reasoning. Today's headline made me do an about face and, for the first time, I present a neutral opinion on President Bush's actions.

Whoops, I just realized that I can't follow through with that. I was going to say that I couldn't imagine President Bush affronting the Chinese government, but then I realized that he's been so disrespectful to the international community in the past.

That being said, I hope GW had a truly engaging time with the Dalai Lama. Perhaps, in some small way, there might have been a true sharing of ideas such that President Bush gained a little more compassion and desire to seek truth and serenity in this life.

Duncan Sheik at the Belly Up

I just saw his show tonight and it was really wonderful. I'd never seen a show at the Belly Up with the cocktail tables set up on the main floor. Very charming, and it played very well with the tone of show that Duncan played. I got to take pictures and posted some on Flickr.

If you get to see him, take a date. I imagine it'd be a fun show to see with someone snuggled up.

My eulogy for dad

I wrote this for inclusion in the program for my father's memorial service, but I've decided to speak there instead. Here's what I wrote for posterity.

Eulogy

Thursday, October 11, 2007

11:15 AM

I find that it's been a very difficult and peculiar thing to write a eulogy for my father. It's taken several days for me to be able to find a place within myself to even begin to consider what to write. Upon finally considering this honor, I found myself feeling gratitude for what it allowed me to recall, understand, and appreciate.

My father accomplished countless things in his life and this is because he lived a life of service. He was simply open at all times to helping people find their way in life. He did this with a commitment to Christ as his Savior and with a conviction that all things are possible.

My father was a people person. He would introduce himself to anyone and I saw him use this talent to bring the world closer by meeting and engaging with people from all walks of life, talking person-to-person with mutual respect from the very start.

My father was highly educated in theology which is, by definition, the "reasoned discourse concerning faith [using] rational analysis and argument to understand, explain, test, critique, defend or promote" matters of faith, in particular his faith of Christianity. With as thoughtful as my father was, he took a definition like this very seriously, each and every part, applying his all to understanding his faith as completely as possible to share it in every way with others.

As an adult, I find that I have a regret of missing the vast opportunity to actively engage with my father in his life's focus. To me, he was simply my father, the man who helped raise me through his divorce, career challenges, and struggles with human frailties. Through much of my life, I struggled with my feelings toward him because of my own immaturity and shortcomings. Thankfully, in the past several years, my father and I came to a full reconciliation with each other, something that I'm so glad to have shared with him, especially in light of his sudden and untimely death.

I hold countless memories from growing up with him as a child. He introduced me to working on cars, fishing on the Atlantic shore, watching triple feature movies at drive-ins, and playing lots and lots of tennis. Later, he supported me in sports, my love of computers, and he helped me own a home. Through it all, he gave me my spirituality, my sense of honor, my devotion to understanding, and my breath.

I'm compelled to describe my father as a compassionate warrior. He devoted his life to pursuing a complete understanding of whatever he applied himself towards, and then he championed those causes with all the resources at his disposal.

I miss his presence in this physical life, but I live with him in spirit. I look forward to walking with him again when I leave this earth.

I'm a lucky guy!

A couple cool things have come up these past few days:

- I got a smokin' deal for some essentials I've needed to race from a friend I met during my first autocross weekend earlier this year. I'll be getting wheels, used tires (2 sets) and a Mazdaspeed front sway bar for cash and my stock shocks. Plus, they're on layaway! Woot!

- I met a woman who works at the Belly Up. She's posted some of my shots from shows last year (see the last three) and will help me get more chances to take concert photos in the future! Music + photos = happy boy!

- I met a friend of Neil's who's an IT guy with mystic powers! I've set an appointment to get some feedback from this healer and I'm very excited about it.

- I cranked out a eulogy for my father that felt loving and honorable.

- I had some quality time with Neil that felt loving and honorable.

- I got an accountability partner to help me address some things that have been difficult for me to face alone.

- I got a gift from a brother in fellowship of a boat to help me and my family spread my father's ashes in the ocean.

- I got over my cold with only a single difficult day.

- I've been jamming to Radiohead's latest and I've been feeling inspired.

I continue to receive lots of love and support and I feel close to caught up with things. I realized that the previous week and a half was me very much on autopilot with little second guessing and much instinctive flow from my spirit. I'm very grateful to have been giving such opportunity in the past few years to prepare myself for events of this magnitude.

More has been happening, but I'm tired after a long week. It's close to midnight and I need sleep.

With much love, I wish peace for you all.

{insert title here}

I'm wiped. I'm actually lying on my back with my wireless keyboard on my lap trying to do something while waiting for my sleeping pill to take effect. I'm sick with a cold and I'm feeling really miserable, more so than I have all day long while taking it easy to try and beat this thing. I've got stuff to do, things to write, and I did nothing all day except hunker down. Now, typing seems like a good idea to get my mind off how cruddy my stuffed nose is. I've got a raging headache as well.

I guess the first thing to say is, when heavy stuff (like a death in the family) is going on, and people tell you to "take good care of yourself", that doesn't mean "take care of yourself", that really means to go the extra mile and take "extra good" care of yourself. I had reasonable amounts of sleep, ate generally well, and overall felt like I was doing alright, but I normally don't catch colds so I let myself down somehow.

Normally I shake off being sick by just taking care of it, letting stuff go until I get better. The problem this time is that I really feel crappy. Dunno if it's just this one time or if it's because I have much to get back to after my time in El Paso.

Anyway, I had a really nice compliment paid to me, well many nice compliments regarding my blogging over the past week and a half. I'm grateful for all the kudos and general support of, not only what I'm going through with my father's death, but also how I'm doing so. It's a peculiar thing to be told "job well done" I think, or very unexpected at least. I can much more easily imagine getting an "attaboy" for completing something at work as opposed to how well I'm processing the death of a loved one.

Then again, saying that out loud sounds pretty reasonable. Last month, after my birthday party, when people asked me how my party went, I responded with a description of the type of people that had attended. Nobody there was from work, my softball team, or any group based on interests or activities. Instead, everyone there was connected to me by virtue of their willingness and ability to be close friends, safe and honest people, regardless of how I was introduced to them. That felt really great to me as much of my life had been filled with repressed feelings, a sense of isolation, and feelings of inadequacy. What a big change for me over the past few years.

Blech. Coughing hurts. It's the damn headache that kills!!!

Okay. Sitting up now. A little better.

I have a eulogy to write for my father's memorial service. Just noting that as a very strange to do.

I learned today that an old friend of mine is having a really hard time of things on several fronts. I was bummed that I hadn't perceived the extent of things over the past few times I had seen him. Ever find yourself in that situation? I'm glad that, at least< I learned of it before it was "too late".

That "too late" thing has been swirling in my mind. I'm really glad that, with both my brother and my father, I was able to have a clean slate with them before they died. Thinking about that now, there are a few more amends I need to make and they constitute the entire list of people I'd have regrets with if they died tomorrow. That's a pretty cool thing where I can live without regrets. That fact didn't become clear for me until just now.

What I feel most sad about, though, concerning those two deaths is that I didn't spend more time having an active relationship with them before they died. I'm not feeling guilty about it, but I am sad. I think I was, in both cases, afraid of getting involved with certain aspects of their lives. That sounds like a cop out excuse right now, but, for better or worse, during these past few years of change and growth for me, there have been soft spots or sensitivities within myself that I chose to give a wide berth to for fear that I'd lose my footing. My "slippery slope" manifests itself in a number of ways.

I still feel kinda like a chicken, though, in some ways. One of the ways that I've been "playing it safe" has been with having a girlfriend. I feel really picky about who I'm going to commit to that I haven't committed to anyone in a long time. I see so many people around me that have relationships -- most people AFAIK. I don't imagine they are all having perfect relationships, nor do I expect myself to have one. "Playing it safe", though, is keeping me from playing at all. I think there are a couple aspects of my life that I manage in that way. At time, I long to be adventurous.

Then again, I can say that I have clear recollection of how messy m life has been in the past, especially during my "reckless years". Those were, not coincidentally, the same years before I got a clue on how to respect and love myself.

I gotta get to sleep. And what's up with this Advil? Do they have a 30 minute guarantee or something? I get more satisfaction from pizza delivery.

I say again -- blech.

Still love you all, though. Later.

Home in San Diego with Dad

Yes, I've inherited my dad's Road Warrior gene. I offer, for your consideration, El Paso to Mira Mesa in 9 hours (+/- a couple minutes).

On a side note, I sent a blog post via cell on the way, but that didn't make it for some reason.

On another side note, there's a chance that my Airport was hacked. More after my investigation.

Time for sleep. Church with Charlotte and dad in a few hours.

p.s. I can't wait to get back in my RX-8. That Grand Prix did fine for a cruise, but ewww. If I ever win one from a sweepstakes, it'll go cheap and quickly.

homeward

This is me west of Yuma with my dad's ashes, charlotte, and caffeinated bevs driving through my dad's death experience while blogging on my phone. This is an understandably short post.

My father's death - Day 3 - evening

I'm pretty tired. This past week has been really busy and I've been doing things that I feel I've never really prepared myself for. After typing that out loud, I can see that I have prepared for some of this: rental cars, medical insurance claims, road trips, consensus through committee. I definitely wasn't prepared for some of it: life insurance claims, funeral arrangements, consensus through committee, grieving like this.

I have taken care of myself through naps when too tired, decent meals, meditation, and staying honest with myself and others. I have immense gratitude to the Shing family and their church body who have all welcomed me and supported me in many ways.

Friday nights are regular gatherings for their church. They meet downstairs in a church that is 125 years old in downtown El Paso. They have a potluck dinner with free time and ping pong and then they split into different groups. They have lessons in Chinese, lessons for kids, and a service for adults. The adult service alternates between bible study and a presentation from one of the members. This week had Ben presenting basic info on heart disease, very cool. I had to give him props on his presentation as it was very clear and palatable for the wide range of ages and education levels in the group.

Prior to that, Patrick (who ministers completely voluntarily!), after I was welcomed and after he explained my circumstances for being in El Paso, asked if I wanted to say a few words about my father. I'm always a little nervous speaking in front of a crowd but I did want to share some of what this experience was about and, with Patrick translating for me, I told these new friends about my dad and, rather than talk about his death, I shared about his character, what was important to him, some of what he did. I talked about my perspective on this event and not simply what I had lost, but much more of what I gained.

It seems to me that what I lost was a relatively simple thing, albeit incredibly deep and profound. What I've been gaining in just this past week has been a growing panoply full of potential. I believe I'll be cherishing what I've lost over a long period of time, sort of like an everlasting gobstopper. I believe I'll be celebrating what I've been finding for just as long.

Rewinding to earlier in the day, both Charlotte and I woke with a sense of wanting to dress dad in more formal clothing for his cremation around mid-day. I called the funeral home and they were willing, but I had to hustle. Charlotte and I bought a pair of shoes, socks, and a Texas Rangers necktie at Wal-mart, then drove to the funeral home. After dropping them off, we hung around in the shade and chilled out waiting for the time to see my father before sending him to the crematorium.

There were five of us there -- myself, Charlotte, Patrick, his wife Anita, and our new friend Sue. Shortly after we arrived, I got a call from one of my relatives who was shocked to learn of our plans to cremate my father.

I was surprised while I took some time to understand where they were coming from and what they wanted me to do about it. They were asking for me to postpone the viewing so that they could fly down and see him. I was torn. I felt worry and regret for having not communicated clearly enough what the plan was. I thought I had considered enough close relatives and relayed my decision, but obviously I hadn't done enough.

I had a heavy heart telling them that to make changes to the agenda wouldn't be possible. Doing so would have been a big deal and, frankly, I just didn't have the energy to make it happen. When I returned to home base later that afternoon, I sent off an apology along with my regrets. I relay this for anyone reading who might find themselves in a similar situation as there are a lot of details to consider during a time like this, way more than I am used to.

I had more business to attend to signing the order form for the viewing, cremation, presentation, etc. I gotta tell you, funeral homes offer a pre-arranged funeral and there's an awful lot to be said about that. The business was incredibly distracting and I was pretty dismissive about it all, not nearly as patient as I would normally be for a transaction of this magnitude. I'm grateful to the funeral home, though, as there were various ways where I just trusted in them to take care of things in a respectful and honorable manner, and they did. In fact, rather than just have us view dad on a gurney with a sheet on it, they tossed in a rental casket. I didn't realize until later how nice that was.

We shared some scripture and prayer and, after about 30 minutes, were lead to a viewing room where my father lay.

There he was, in a casket, wearing his suit and shirt that we pulled from his wreck, and the necktie that we brought. I'm just realizing now that we never saw his shoes that we bought him because the lower half of him was covered. I stood next to him with Charlotte and the first thing I said was "he looks good". He did, at peace, sleeping, made up to not show his hurts, dressed up to look like he did at his finest. He was cold when I touched him, but I did touch him, on his arm at first, then his chest, his other arm, his cheek, his hair. I lay on his chest. We sang Amazing Grace together. Charlotte cried and held him. Our friends were just there for us. I thought of his last few days and felt deep sorrow. I knew I was never going to see him again and I said goodbye. I knew it was just his body, but I said it anyway. I closed my eyes and talked to him in my heart and I knew he was there just like my brother.

I don't know how much time passed, but it wasn't long. We left and at lunch together then returned to base and I napped. Hard.

During lunch and after waking, we discussed handing over the responsibility of arranging the memorial service to others who had been offering their services and support. I was ready to be co-pilot or even just executive producer as the arrangements thus far were tiring and I knew I had more to come. We've started the process for the memorial service and more details will come.

At this point, we headed to the Friday night service, but you've probably read about that above.

Later this evening, I touched based with my cousin Lili. Then I spoke with Sarah and we shared our missing grandpa, the truth that he loved her and that she would have enjoyed him as he was a bit of a nutjob like she is, the prospect of her meeting Charlotte, and how sad I felt about missing another one of her soccer games. Oh, she was very clear that there wasn't any point in playing a soccer game if she wasn't going to have fun. I'm so proud of her.

The end of my evening, just before writing this, I got to play a couple games of chess with Loktao. One win for me, an interrupted game after a careless move, and a stalemate when I couldn't finish his king with my king and knight. Anyone know if that can be done?

The plan for tomorrow is to rent a different car for a one way trip to San Diego, collect dad's remains as soon as we're able, then drive with Charlotte in time to catch a Sunday service that dad would have attended.

Good night all.

My father's death - Day 3 - morning

I've had a lot of people tell me to take good care of myself and I'm really trying to. I'm eating pretty well and drinking fluids, but getting to sleep's been hard and I'm waking up with a sinus something that's gotten more noticeable since yesterday. For some reason, I've insisted on getting up around 8a even though I haven't slept until 2a or so the past three days anyway.

I had a long discussion with Patrick last night. He offered to help dress my father for the ID Viewing before the cremation but after relaying the reasoning that Charlotte and I shared, he changed his offer to providing flowers for my father. I spoke to him about my internal debate regarding a eulogy for my father and whether to include only the virtuous characteristics and deeds or to share the breadth of his character including his shortcomings which is my preference. Patrick's shared his perspective that the funeral viewings and really anything that occurs since dad's death are for us, those that remember him and that nothing we say or do can change what he's done and who he was. That totally makes sense to me and agrees with where my heart has been in the decisions I've been making and the way I've been dealing with his death.

I think I saved his suit that he was traveling with. I'm going to call the funeral home to see if they will dress him in it. That will probably delay the cremation past 11:30. Then I think I'll try to get some more rest or at least get some during the day.

I was going to broadcast the intent to have a memorial service next Saturday, but it turns out that another relative just died yesterday morning. This was an older man who lost his wife only weeks ago. I received this yesterday afternoon and I'm only now able to process it, a sign to me of how full up my mind's been.

Pastor Wilfred Su ( Su Wen-Leng) has just informed our family and has asked me to forward to all of the above,

notice of the passing of his father, Su Teng-Jeng this morning, Thursday, October 4, 2007 at Garfield Memorial Hospital in Monterey Park, California.

As all of us know, he was preceded in death by his wife, Hsi So, just a few weeks ago.

Arrangements are being made for a Memorial Service and interment alongside his wife at Rose Hills Cemetery for October 20, 2007, details to follow at a later date.

The family has also asked us to express their sentiments and wishes that no monetary gifts be given to the Su Family.

For one so inclined, we suggest contributing to their individual church or charity.

With God and Our Lord Jesus Sustaining Us,

Peace be to all of our relatives and Friends,

Drew and Li-Li Merkel
On behalf of the Su Family

As Mr. Su's memorial is on Saturday, I'll have to choose another time for my father's.

I continue to stay open to what the universe will bring. I've already received countless blessings in the forms of (but not at all limited to):

- shared experiences with many others, including people I've never met
- a new closeness with Charlotte
- a safe harbor in El Paso thanks to the families of Patrick and Ben
- a chance to understand my father's most recent travels
- more of a conviction to share my truth without fear
- compassion and understanding for others struggling with this event
- recognizing my limits during a time like this
- lots of practice with discernment and discretion

More later. I'm tired.

My father's death - Day 2

Well, this is gonna be a long post as its been quite a day. At some point below, I think my description of events may get kinda graphic, even grisly, but I'm moving into less of a reporter role and more of a recording role.

Highlights of the day include:

- getting an "insurance replacement rental" car in a town that has no rentals
- making a decision on cremation vs viewing
- Road Trip!
- sharing truths with Charlotte
- finding the accident site
- the beginnings of a eulogy
- clearing the wreck of stuff
- phone calls from my Neils
- firework store!
- road food
- the beauty of New Mexico weather
- realizing another loss in the family
- the Joy of Massive Support
- playing a cello for the second time
- hating my lack of pitch on a violin
- Sarah rocks!
- a generous spirit

See? I told you it'd be long. It's taken me 15 minutes just to note the highlights!

So, here I go.

getting an "insurance replacement rental" car in a town that has no rentals
Last night, El Paso experienced a hail storm. I became aware of this after 15 minutes online trying to get a rental car, being told by webpages that there was no inventory at this location (also), and finally having an explanation given by a person via phone. I had a conversation with the car insurance people, though, and I was told of the $30 per day allowance for a car rental. I was a bit dismayed as economy cars were coming up as $60-ish per day, though, until I spoke the magic words to the rental rep -- "insurance replacement". Suddenly there were cars available, at least at Avis (as I was working my way up from perceived lowest cost agencies), and Louis at the North Mesa location turned out to be one of those people I'd hire immediately if I had my own company. With an insurance replacement, you get drastically reduced prices and I ended up with an AWD SUV for under $30 a day (just over as adding me as an additional driver was $1.50 a day). I got this for up to 30 days as well from the insurance coverage which opened up the possibility of driving it back to San Diego except for the fact that this particular car was not a "foreign"(?) car marked for one-way travel to distant locations. Morals of this highlight -- check your policy for "insurance replacement" rental coverage, mention this to your rental agent, drive away happily!

making a decision on cremation vs viewing
Just before doing all that, Charlotte suggested contacting a couple other relatives, people with very close relations to dad, for their opinions on the decision of his final arrangements. Based on that, where I got further support for my preference, we decided on cremation. This was also based on Chinese and Christian leanings of not needing a physical form for reconciliation. A dear friend had written a letter to me last night where she shared the same catharsis as I did when seeing and touching my brother in his casket, but I've come to the conclusion that this will have to be one of those experiences where people dig deep into their imaginations and recall their own images of my father in memoriam. The plan is now for Charlotte and me to view my father before cremation tomorrow at 11:30a. The cremation will take place after and will be several hours long. My father's remains will be available for us to retrieve Saturday morning.

Road Trip! and sharing truths with Charlotte
So, Charlotte and I start our trek to Lordsburg, NM in our rental. Now, Charlotte and I have known each other for 24 years since she married my dad. I even lived with them for a while in El Cajon back in the 80s. I think, though, that this was the first time that she and I ever did anything together alone. This turned out to be Yet Another Blessing from this time. We've always had a pretty good rapport which is kinda easy with her as she's one of the most gentle people I know on this earth. Thankfully, to add to this mix, I've done some growing up over the years. This gave us a chance to really share some intimate time together, something invaluable to me in a number of ways including getting to know her very deeply and having her share her experiences with my dad over these past two decades, most of which we spent emotionally distant from each other.

finding the accident site
Along the way, I contacted State Trooper Holguin, the officer responsible at the accident site. He told me where we could find the site -- just past mile marker 20 between 20 and 19. The site was not apparent on our first drive by, but we walked backwards and discovered the site after about a quarter mile walking. This turned out to be one of the most peculiar experiences of my life. As we walked, searching for some signs, we noticed some wheel covers here and there, one which we picked up thinking it might be dad's. Then we found the first picture. It was shocking to come to the realization that this really was the place. Charlotte had known that dad was traveling with some fond memorabilia and it seems he had a number of them in the front of the car with him when he crashed. as we discovered more and more of these pictures, we ended up finding a concentration of items which helped us to see the tracks from his car where it left the road. I was taking some pictures along the way, but I realized how little I was paying attention to the shots. I was caught between seeing with my eyes and thinking with my mind, trying to piece together what had happened. Charlotte and I were on the same page and we ended with a pretty clear chain of events. One of the things that got me in the gut was a patch of broken glass, a faded Peace Corps sticker keeping parts together in a corner. I was stuck in place for a few moments, not being able to move away, feeling a sense of gravity, grieving this spot of ground where my father's car had struck. We continued searching, finding dozens of pictures, assorted items that were unmistakably his, ending with a prayer between the two of us and God in the middle of that median. The walk back to the car was a fractured weightlessness (that's me trying to come up with something more descriptive than "surreal").

the beginnings of a eulogy
We had to turn around a couple times on the highway. I don't actually recall if I started these particular thoughts of a eulogy before this or at this time, but I started wondering how much of my father's humanity (read "imperfection") would I feel compelled to include in final words about him compared to how much of his virtues and works. It had been suggested to me to share his honorable and positive virtues while basically downplaying anything else. I'm still sitting with that one and, while I have no need to share dirty laundry, I know that I feel no shame or judgment for him at this time. There would be no malice or denigration intended, just truth and honesty, an attempt to honor all of him exactly as he was.

This next section is going to be very frank and I can imagine some people thinking I'm being inappropriate, maybe even crude or disrespectful. For those that may think my description of my father's wreck might be offensive, please skip this section.

clearing the wreck of stuff
If I thought the accident site was surreal, I wasn't prepared for this. My father's car was a wreck, and I know wrecks. I don't think I've ever seen the results first hand from the Jaws of Life, but these were clear. His car matched what I had imagined based on the accident site and the State Trooper's description, but there was all this clarity and detail that I didn't imagine. The roofline was crushed. I could see how his body was hurt from the fall of the car. My heart felt so heavy imagining his experience and right now as I'm typing I feel so helpless. My mind's been replaying and shuffling what I've pieced together between the time of the crash, now in such detail, and the recollection of his time in the hospital. I'm so thankful that his rescuers helped him through that experience with compassion, that they aided him in avoiding so much pain. Charlotte and I were limited by time now as the storage location was going to close so we had to prioritize what to keep and what to leave. I kinda kicked into control mode and started directing Charlotte, ostensibly to avoid her getting cut by some of the picture frame glass that had broken, but also because I knew I could be somewhat discerning under the time crunch. The trunk was first to go as I wanted to grab the larger items to put into our rental. My dad was a pack rat, like me, so there were lots of little items that I understood his value of yet, in this context, were throwaway. I started getting lost again, as I did at the crash site, with that seeing versus thinking thing as I found myself imagining his thoughts while packing, while selecting what to bring to this next stage in his life. He was moving out to live with me. He was carrying these precious things that he'd had for many years -- snapshots, pocket calendars, artwork from friends. I was working pretty quickly, finishing the trunks, then finishing the back seat. There was road food that was tossable. There was glass, clothing, tools, and office equipment that was throwaway. Then I started on the front passenger seat and I saw more than just pictures like we'd found earlier. I found blood stains. I could see how injured he was now, how he had lost so much blood such that the hospital had to give him a complete transfusion. I hadn't recognized this aspect of his condition when I saw him in the hospital and it had been easily dismissed by me as I was so focused on him being "stable". I found myself once again regretting how I didn't understand the significance of his condition being "critical". I urge anyone in my position to learn from my mistake and to stay with your loved one when they are in that condition. "Critical" really means that they are on the edge of life. As I collected his bits and pieces or memorabilia, many of them stained and encrusted, I felt so sad to think of his time there in that car.

- phone calls from my Neils
- firework store!
- road food
- the beauty of New Mexico weather
- realizing another loss in the family
- the Joy of Massive Support
- playing a cello for the second time
- hating my lack of pitch on a violin
- Sarah rocks!
- a generous spirit named Patrick

It's 12:30a now and I'm tired. I'm going to leave the rest of this in this form fully understanding that I may never get back to it. Tomorrow is going to be unlike anything I've ever done and, having not been able to get through this fully, I imagine I'm going to be behind the eight ball for a while anyway.

I still love you all and I will end with this (fulfilling the Joy of Massive Support point above). I have never been buoyed by so much support before in my life. I've had some outrageous accidents and been carried through by many each time and this has been even beyond those.

I've found that the more I share my truth, the closer I get to people. That turns into true intimacy, safety, love, and abundance. I continue to be humbled and grateful for all of you.

My father's death - Day 1

I thought I had a lot of support during his time in the hospital. I was wrong. I've been deluged by wonderful thoughts, prayers, memories, and offers -- I am humbled.

In the past few years, I've come to understand some essential aspect of life: trust, honesty, love, respect, and more. From this experience, I've now come to know the depths of generosity, compassion, relations across bounds, and how "it's all small stuff".

That being said, I find myself once again limited by the bounds of language and the constraints of my memory. I've been flooded with thoughts and emotions over the past few days and writing captures only a smattering of what I've gained during this time.

My reason for posting further updates on my blog is primarily to promote something that's shown its high value lately, that being relations. The relations I have are so valuable to me and my deepest regret is not honoring the relation I had with my father more than I did. I could go off on that, and I probably will, but suffice it to say, if I could have spent more time with him -- if I could have shared more with him -- I would have. That sentiment is now transferred to you all, those who I'm sharing this with, those I'd like to spend time on this earth with.

What's happened since news of my father's death? Well it goes something like this...

I was en route to El Paso taking a two legged flight: San Diego to Phoenix, then Phoenix to El Paso. My father died while I was in the air before Phoenix. When I arrived, I was picked up by Pastor Patrick Shing, a wonderful man that I was introduced to by family members through church connections.

That reminds me of one of my lame-o funny jokes: Once upon a time, there were two Chinese. Now look how many there are.

Ba-da-bing! I'll be here all week.

So, Patrick took me to the ICU but my father had just been picked up by the M.E. (Medical Examiner). We just missed him by 30 minutes or so. After a couple of phone calls, I got to speak with the M.E. that picked him up. Explaining that I was from out of town, they were open to the possibility of making an exception to their rule of not allowing visitors -- understandably for our emotional and physical protection. I was to call the supervisors in the morning. I tidied up some business with the hospital, then went to the Shing household for a short night's sleep.

Breakfast was quite, but necessary. Many friends told me to take care of myself and I had their words in my mind as I considered blowing off food. I got to meet Patrick and Anita's son, Loktao, and their daughter as well.

I called the Medical Examiner's office and was told that we'd be able to view my father at the coroner's office. We picked up Charlotte and went to the office (now being driven by Patrick's wife, Anita) and had to wait about 20 minutes as, by that time, the M.E. had begun their examination (necessary since my father had been in an accident). They also had us confirm that we were willing to not hold them liable for the effect of seeing him on their premises. After a short time, they allowed us into a viewing room, though we were separated by glass.

Well, I took pictures. I labored over this decision, but this might very well have been the last time I got to see my father's physical body as we hadn't yet decided on final arrangements for him. The act of seeing him reminded me of my experience seeing my brother, Calvin, in his casket. They both looked different than my typical memory because they'd been affected by cancer or trauma. Yet, they were the same people I had known, the same details, the same gut-level familiarities -- this was my father, it was my brother, and I knew this without a doubt.

I had the benefit of holding my father's hand this past weekend. I was unable to do so today. I had the benefit of holding my brother's hand in the casket. It was his hand. Even though I hadn't held their hands in years, I knew the shape of their thumb, the path of veins on the tops of their hands, the subtle twists of their nails.

I stood there looking at this man, his face alone as the rest of him was covered. I saw his hair again as it had been wrapped up to this point. I saw his moustache -- it's the same as mine. I saw the way he cared for his hair - exactly as his always had. I saw the shape of his mouth - indelibly impressed in me from the countless hours of looking at this man, face-to-face, in all different scenarios, with all different expressions.

But he was dead. This man that I had known as a child, who I knew loved me, who I ran through the wringer with my recklessness, who I loved and even hated, who taught me so many things, who showed me what I could avoid, who I made fun of with my brother, who we both fought to be with, who brought me into this world...

I know that I have plenty of time to grieve, to feel the loss.

Oh, since this isn't edited, I get to toss these points of beauty in the mix! Before I left the Shing's house in the morning, I got a call from my niece, Holly. This was after having received messages from my sister-in-law, Cheryl, as well as messages from Dwayne and Amy Wood, my other niece. This was my brother's family and I felt so(!) happy to be able to share this with them. (I love you all!)

So... whew! That was getting heavy. My heart and face were getting heavy! Thinking back on him both in the viewing room and as I type this... whew!

So, we left the M.E. office and went to have lunch with another family, Ben and Sue, the people who were hosting my mother, Charlotte, during her stay in town. I think we hit the best Chinese restaurant in El Paso. For real. :-) I was so hungry, I started eating before anyone else, minor faux pas.

Charlotte and I recalled several wishes of my father's: to be cremated, to have his ashes spread in the Pacific Ocean. We started talking about plans and decided that we needed to get a funeral home in the process. Earlier in the day, I had spoken with Pastor Max Pettit, a man who had lost his wife within the past month and Yet Another Generous Spirit during this strange time for me. He had shared his experience so I had someone to talk to and some ideas to work with.

Making arrangements with a funeral home is one of those things in life that I have never been prepared for. Surprise! In the past, I might have made some snarky comments or had a cynical attitude, but this turned out to be a case of "more small stuff". The cost, the choice of casket, the particulars of the death certificate... I, along with Charlotte, had more important things to consider, such as:

- how important is it that my father looks different than he used to?
- who needs to see him?
- what's my grandmother's maiden name? she was one of the rare cases that had two Chinese names?
- where should we arrange a ceremony seeing as how he knew people all over the country?
- should anyone else be involved in these decisions?
- is there a pecking order if others are involved?
- what about transporting him to San Diego (the most likely endpoint for him)?
- you really can't get this particular casket?
- ...?

I could go on. While I wasn't laughing at all, this situation seems rife with comedic potential.

We asked the funeral home to take possession of his body from the M.E.'s office. A decision did not have to be made at this time. We would sleep on it.

Well, it turns out that I'll be making the decision with Charlotte's blessing. This turns out to be an opportunity for me to take charge of the situation. No battle plans here, but I've got a peculiar set of priorities to consider. Who benefits from a viewing? How much to I consider my uncle and aunt's thoughts on these matters? If I make plans for the sake of others, who would they be?

I honestly didn't know the answers to many of these questions. I didn't have a book of heritage to consult so I don't know protocol. It was time to rest. Both Charlotte and I took some down time. I slept deeply.

For dinner, we all got together at the Shing's for a meal prepared by Anita. She's quite modest, but also a really good cook. Patrick wants to take credit for her becoming such a good cook and we all humor him. I get to see their son, Loktao, again as well as meet Ben and Sue's daughter, Jackie. I got to say a prayer that felt good honoring this experience and all that it was bringing. It was another chance to connect with my Higher Power, something I'd been doing all day long, but from a place of summary and perspective rather than "stay with me".

We got to talking after dinner about beliefs on funerals. Seems like Chinese people generally don't want to see a body preferring to retain their memories of the living. It seems a more Western practice to have a viewing.

I got to call Sarah a while ago. She asked if grandpa was really dead and I told her so. She a very thoughtful child and wished I could be with her, but I knew that she'd be held and loved by her mother. She told me that her sister was on YouTube bailing in a skate video. I told her that I'd hold her in my heart and mind until I spoke with her next.

I'm about to go to sleep now. I promised myself I'd sleep on the funeral arrangemets and I will.

I love you all, even if I haven't met you. I'm grateful to you all that have shared this experience with me. I feel a part of something greater than my single-serving life.

Update Tuesday afternoon

I'm feeling a bit awkward continuing to broadcast this blow by blow. Again, if anyone wishes to not receive this, I would totally understand and will remove you from future messages.

In short, my father's health continues to decline. They are considering administering a medication to promote his blood pressure, but it is considered a last ditch effort for all intents and purposes. His O2 saturation is down, normal being 80-90 and his being 58. His Ph level is down, normal being 7.3 to 7.45 and his being 7.1 -- meaning his body is relatively acidic. He is very edemic as much of the fluids given to him are not perfusing and are, instead, moving to his interstitial tissue.

In writing these details, I convey them with frank honesty and, as I said, I feel a bit awkward for reporting as clinically as I do. That being said, I'm clear that this is the truth, that his body is very damaged from the car crash, and that this is only his physical body.

I got into contact with a very long time acquaintance of ours from when we lived in New Jersey. I appreciated hearing his voice and connecting that thread of life and humanity that we all experienced nearly 30 years ago. I know that those times were just a portion of who my father was. I know he touched the lives of many, many people on this earth, more than I bet many of you can imagine -- he was just that kind of person.

I ask again for people to spread this news of his condition and to recall the ways in which he may have touched your life or those you know. I ask this to promote the vision of who he has been in this world so that we can help brighten his life now.

Namaste.

Update Tuesday mid-day - not doing well

Dad's taken a turn for the worse. The staff has had a "rough time" keeping him going. His stats dropped very, very low, recovering his O2 stats took forever, his blood pressure dropped very low (60 systolic). They used two (reduced to one now) pressors (sp?) to elevate his blood pressure.

It is likely that he has systemic adema. He has pneumonia as well. They brought out hte "crash cart" as they weren't sure he was going to make it.

The MRI has not shown any more brain injury than the CT scans showed already but it did discover a c-spine injury (in the cervical vertebrae). He has adema around his spinal cord.

He has not been moving. Using the Glassgow Coma Scale (where 15 is lively and active and 3 is the worst), my dad is at a 3. He has not been responding to pain stimulus. His eye are very sluggish in responding to light.

They have him on paralytics to paralyze him to promote proper ventilation and total relaxation.

I am flying out tonight at 7p.

Update on my dad's condition from Monday evening (10/1/07)

Not a lot of news, which is a good thing as far as I'm concerned. I spoke with Greg, the day nurse, and then the new night nurse (both shifts change nurses on Mondays, at least with the ones involved due to scheduling). We spoke a couple times through the day.

The items addressed include:

MRI - this was performed early this evening. The reading of the MRI will not take place until the morning and I'll be calling around 10a El Paso time which should be after morning rounds. There should be more information at that time. I look forward to this information.

A New Bed - they were moving dad to a new bed as of 9:30 El Paso time this evening. This will actually move his body (rolling from side to side, I believe) to promote the draining of his lungs and to get some movement into the rest of his body. I liken it to bump starting a car, get the pieces moving, then the ignition will have an easier time to kick in - the ignition in this case being his brain and breathing most of all. This is a good thing.

Back on sedation - they took him off of sedation yesterday but they're resuming today. His breathing is very weak. His blood oxygen saturation is lower than we'd like even though he has assisted breathing and 100% oxygen given to him. This is all being watched.

His essential minerals are being supplemented (I think I mentioned this before). Potassium, calcium, and others. A good thing.

The dysrhythmia has subsided, a good thing.

I'm working on getting back out to El Paso, Thursday evening at the latest so far. A friend sent email to Calvary Evangelical Free Church in Essex Fells, NJ, which was a very close congregation for my father for many years. Support continues to flow in and it's very wonderful to see. I look forward to sharing it all with my father when he awakens.

In addition to the continued support from so many people, I also got an amazing letter from someone I've been out of touch with for several years. I see this as one of those mysterious blessings from the universe, something I never would have imagined as a result of this delicate time. I feel truly blessed.

Update Monday Morning (10/1/07)

I spoke with the new day nurse, Greg. I spoke with him on the phone today without pen and paper, so I hope this is accurate. His update included the following:

The MRI to look more closely at my father's neck is scheduled currently for noon.

They will be moving him to a new bed which will allow a rolling motion, beneficial for quicker recovery of his lungs (and the fluid within the chest cavity), among other things.

His respiration is low currently and they are continuing to address that.

They are boosting necessary mineral supplements for those he is low in (potassium, calcium, and more).

They are going to put him back on sedatives even though his has shown response to pain stimulus.

The dysrhythmia has stabilized due to the medication they gave yesterday.

Today will be a busy day for him.

Several people have asked how I am doing, so I wanted to respond en masse. I am doing very well thanks in large part to all the support I've been receiving. I am clear that my life is in good shape and that the trials I have to deal with are so trivial compared to what my father is going through. This has, in fact, inspired me in many ways for my own good. I also find tremendous courage due to the understanding I've gained from the staff at Thomason Hospital. I'm clear with all the issues on hand as well as their plans to address them. I've watched their steady prioritizing of issues. Their professionalism and compassion have given me the utmost confidence in their ability to care for my father. That gives me tremendous peace.

Thanks again to all concerned.

p.s. I was given some guidance regarding the photos I posted online yesterday and have, since then, made them viewable by family and close friends only. If you are unable to view them, please contact me.